The Honorary Hunzo | The Data Protection Dark Age

The year 2018 saw the implementation of the General Data Protection Regulation into Irish Law. With the influx of a multiplicity of social media forums, citizen’s personal data became more readily available for the general public at large.

Due to a minimal chance of data leakage, mass hysteria and privacy concerns spread across the nation, a recent survey was carried out by the central statistics office. It asked applicants to list out potential personal data factors that urgently needed legislative protection. The results were surprisingly simplistic and not particularly important. The list was inclusive of, but not limited to the following criteria…

  • Age – The potential release of data pertaining to age seemed to cause grave concern amongst most of the sample test group. Some fundamental rational fears were addressed such as ..
  1. My Potential Tinder age range would need to be adjusted – leading to a rapid decrease in likes and potential celibacy”
  2. I would no longer receive freebies at Bingo Club as I am under 75”
  3. My marriage would be branded as “unlawful”, why should love be limited to double digits?!”
  • Weight – In the Instagram era having “too much cushion for the pushing” can be viewed under a rather negative lens. This has lead numerous slimmer’s in various clubs nationwide to insist upon keeping their weight/results secret.  As part of their seductive sign up package, Weight Watchers has introduced Blood Pacts to ensure secrecy amongst members. Similarly a secret society known as the “Chunky Monkies”, was set up to monitor data protection compliance pertaining to clients weight.
  • Height : Those who have the frame of renowned basketball player Michael Jordan, are not concerned with the release of data pertaining to their height. The CSO has found that Males suffering from “Short Man Syndrome”, are most concerned about their privacy being impinged upon. Sadly however, they often draw attention to themselves, and their condition, with regular enraged outbursts “ I AM FIVE FOOT SEVEN I SWEAR”.
  • Address : With Dublin’s Northside and Southside engaged in bitter combat, my Fairview origins were best kept secret.
  • Sexual orientation: Although nowadays this factor has less prevalence, bestiality is sadly still frowned upon.

The General Data Protection Regulation tackled these multi-faceted concerns with the introduction of the Data Protection Army. The Data Protection Army report back to the Commission, and ensure the Law is enforced in a rigid gestapo like fashion. Perpetrators face severe penalties including fines, imprisonment, and tarring/feathering. With “Integrity, confidentiality and accountability”, being their main motto, the DPA encourage the public to participate in data protection compliance. This has lead the Commission to offer awards to those who report data protection breaches. The award system ranged from two hundred euro compensation, to pints with the president. Consequentially this lead to mass reporting of data protection fuck ups.

With numerous data protection prosecutions taking place and regular prizes being awarded, certain unscrupulous individuals started to take advantage of the scheme. These individuals colloquially known as Data Protection Rats, or “Drats”, began reporting upon even the slightest data release mishaps. 

For example fitness chain “Joe’s Gyms” has recently been reported to have been in “flagrant breach” of data protection law. This was primarily due to the mini questionnaire present on cross trainers machines, querying potential users age, weight, height, and whether they were smokers. We interviewed an anonymous regular client at the gym, to ascertain his views on the matter:

Yeh, I mean like, I fully agree with the data commissioners like. I don’t want other users to figure out I’ve become a fat bastard, or that I smoke 40 ‘boro a day. No bird wants a bloke with a nedzer does she? Unless he’s rich, but sure then he wouldn’t be at Joe’s”. 

 Anonymous user Joes Gyms Rialto.

As the renowned author James Joyce stated in his famous novel Dubliners

Every man must learn to shut his own cakehole, as only then will peace descend upon this island we call home

Dubliners, Chapter One, Page Two.

All of us here at HeadStuff are Inclined to agree with him.

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