The Honorary Hunzo | The Fake Pocket Penalty System
FOCK IT! : A Review of the “Fake Pocket” Penalty System
Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has approved of a recent statutory amendment to both “The Customs Act 2015”, and “The Sale of Goods and Supply of Services Act 1980” which promulgates the blanket ban of clothing with “fake pockets”, colloquially known as “Fockets”.
“I HATE when I purchase clothing items such as trousers, blazers, even shirts with no pockets. Worse again, we now are consistently seeing clothing with counterfeit pockets, that are sewn up, but present for decorative purposes. These Items are not fit for purpose, and are downright irritating”.
– Taoiseach Leo Varadkar
The Consumers Association of Ireland worked alongside members of the Oireachtas in the creation of the focket amendment. This instrument will amend the Customs Act 2015 to prevent the importation of focket-clad clothing, and the Sale of Goods and Supply of Services Act to prevent the distribution of focket-based produce, which are not “of merchantable quality” (Section 5 of the SOGA). The instrument provides an exhaustive definition of fockets, and imposes sanctions and penalties for the distribution of focket-clad clothing. For our readers convenience I have outlined the basic features of this SI.
Features of the Fake Pocket Statutory Instrument
Section One of this statutory instrument outlines the legal definition of a Focket:
Under Section One a Focket is described as “A sewn up counterfeit pocket which has been deliberately designed to mislead consumers into purchasing the product, under the mistaken belief the pocket itself is functional.”
Section Two discusses the Sanctions imposed upon those distributing Fockets, some of the innovative penalties are inclusive of
- Stoning of the perpetrator.
- Tarring and feathering.
- Five years’ imprisonment wearing a focket-ridden uniform.
Section Three provides a compensatory reward system for Focket whistle blowers which is inclusive of (but not limited to):
- A one-thousand euro Penney’s Voucher for focket free produce.
- A five-thousand euro reward.
- A free French-style smooching session with the Blarney stone, bestowing upon the lucky receiver “A life time of good fortune”.
As well as causing consumer dissatisfaction, the distribution of focket produce leaves a huge trail of destruction in its wake. Upon further investigation into this focket industry, the Irish Penal Reform trust carried out a study, revealing some disconcerting statistics. The introduction of the focket, has created a significant rise in petty crime. In 2019, the number of thefts had increased by up to 30 percent, an increase which is directly linked to the influx of focket-based clothing.
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A Fake Pocket Phenomenon
An excerpt from the recently published paper “A focket phenomenon”, affirms the above statistic and provides a concrete explanation for these fascinating results.
“As real pockets became much less fashionable, victim’s possessions became much more available for passing thieves to swipe. The safe haven for keys, wallets, master cards, was no longer present. Indeed it is much easier to swipe a prominent clutch bag then to forcibly root around in a lint ridden pocket.”
– A Focket Phenomenon, page 14.
Recent statistics published by the CSO suggests that fockets also attribute to two percent of road-related accidents.
“We live in a society that was once pocket ridden. More often than not, we reach to our breast pocket to check a phone, or grab a stick of gum, only to discover a phony pocket in its place. A momentary struggle can ensue. One second is all it takes. One distraction can change someone’s life forever”.
– Road Safety Chief Executive Officer Moyagh Murdock
We can deduce from this that the functions of a fully-fledged pocket should not be overlooked. Pockets are not just practical but a necessity!
A society without pockets is a savage wasteland… A world without comfort or safety.
Protect Irish Consumers. Say FOCK OFF to fockets!
