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It’s really hard to pick out all the scarlet things that happen ‘cause there is SO many but I go on what causes me to have stage five scarlet fever.
Otherwise known as a full body redner.
Goop vs Reality
In proof that literally ANYTHING is possible, Gwyneth Paltrow just opened up a flagship store for Goop AND released the first print publication of Goop magazine. Here’s green tea herself on the cover, covered in actual goop, while she massages her hair with the tears of sick peasants.
— Man Repeller (@ManRepeller) September 19, 2017
Obviously, I wrote the headline for the front cover of the magazine.
To promote her new ventures and as thank you to us all for surviving her dodgy “healing” advice, Goopy gifted us with this interview from The Hollywood Reporter, where she bravely describes the struggles of being rich.
“But for this model – where I’m trying to make Goop bigger than me and its own brand – you become inextricably linked. I’m a target in a way most entrepreneurs are not.”
Someone, call 911, quick! There’s a fucking sniper after her.
“When I interview someone for a position, it takes them a while before I’m not Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s just an obstacle and then it’s OK.”
Ah, stop, hun! I’m bawling here. Your legs must be wrecked from jumping over all those obstacles.
“But it’s also a blessing when we need to leverage my celebrity — it opens doors. I don’t know many young entrepreneurs who can call [Disney CEO] Bob Iger, [Facebook COO] Sheryl Sandberg or [Airbnb founder] Brian Chesky, and they are kind enough to waste a little bit of their day to help me.”
Thank fuck there’s a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for you. Me nerves were going to goop over ya.
In a bid to ruin our lives on all platforms, Gwyneth will also be hosting a new Goop TV show, where she has threatened to visit Flint, Michigan, to investigate how many vagina steams are needed there to clean up the water.
“I would be going into the field and talking to any number of doctors, scientists, civilians, people in crisis in Flint, Michigan, where there is something to uncover and confront about wellness.”
A state of scarlet has now been declared in Flint and people are being urged to grab any glutinous foods left and run for their lives.
Tim Jackson vs Bobby Sands
The lead up to the March for Choice in Dublin usually means one thing. An increase in the sales of rosary beads. It’s estimated a candle is lit every 12 seconds in Ireland to pray for all the dirty sluts shouting for choice.
This year Tim Jackson has lit over 87,000 candles, accidently burning down 48 churches.
This is Tim Jackson. Tim likes long walks to mass and having the freedom of bodily autonomy. Tim doesn’t like music or women’s rights. Tim is a gowl. Tim does not know that he is a gowl.
Tim Jackson who was voted, “most likely to not know what a hunger strike is”, in school, is finally living up to his potential. Timmy boy went on “hunger strike” last week outside the Dail, to oppose abortion. But, unlike some suffragettes throughout the years who have had tubes inserted into them because of starvation or died, Tim took a less “hysterical” approach, by just going on hunger strike ‘till he got hungry.
So, basically when Tim gets a tummy ache, he’s going to make the choice to go home for his dinner. Because Tim has choice. Tim does not know that he has choice. Because Tim is a gowl.
Tim stated he “just isn’t sure” how long he intends to continue the strike action.
He released a statement which said it won’t be until “the point of death”. “I will just have to gauge how long I remain on hunger strike.”
Ms. Y, however, did not have choice. Ms. Y was a young asylum seeker who had been raped in her home country before entering Ireland and sought an early stage abortion here but was refused. When Ms. Y became suicidal and went on hunger strike, the HSE sought an order to forcibly feed her. Ms. Y was forcibly informed she did not have a choice.
However, Tim’s peckish protest to raise awareness around the reality of abortion, worked. As a side effect of people being scarlet over Tim, he ended up in advertently raising €3,000 for the Abortion Rights Campaign, in just 3 days. The Abortion Rights Campaign work tirelessly every day to raise awareness around the actual realities of abortion. Including that 10 women a day leave Ireland to procure one and that the 8th amendment affects ALL pregnant people, not just people who need an abortion.
Tim Jackson. Our own little mortagette.
— Andrew Galvin (@MaxHomo) September 19, 2017
Dystopias vs The Dáil
If you’re wondering how long we have left before the apocalypse I’d estimate from this photo it’s a matter of hours.
ROSA (for Reproductive Rights Against Oppression, Sexism and Austerity) held a silent protest out scarlet HQ, the Dáil, last week, to mark the first meeting of the Oireachtas committee on the 8th amendment. In a scene straight outta ‘The Handmaids Scéal’, a bloke lurks behind a woman, who is fighting for her bodily autonomy, with Irelands deadliest weapon. Rosary beads. Rumours have not been confirmed that his surname is Healy-Rae.
If you look closely enough I think you can spot Tim Jackson scoffing a chicken fillet roll in the background.
Forgot to get your monthly vitamins off Goop? Well, fear not. Now you can head down to this cuddle party in Dublin, led by consciousness facilitator RANDY Ralston.
Absolutely nothing to be scarlet about there. All seems perfectly legit.
If you are having any scarlet tingles over these cuddle parties, don’t, because RANDY is a consciousness facilitator. Meaning, when you pass out from all the mort, RANDY, living up to his name, will bring you back to life with all his cuddles. I wouldn’t worry about his cuddles being weird though because RANDY has a certificate in sexological bodywork and separately, a UK certification in somatic sex education.
So, it’s all absolutely above board.
If you are going to a cuddle party. And let’s face it, we are. Let’s make sure to follow all the rules, ok. They are taken straight from their website and as a favor, I have provided some comments for clarity.
ARRIVE ON TIME: Once we begin the Welcome Circle and orientation, sorry, we can let no one enter late. This creates comfort and safety by knowing that everyone is on the same page about rules and expectations. – Premature ejaculators only, absolutely NO latecomers!
WHAT TO WEAR: Pajamas – nothing too risqué. Think more comfy than sexy. (More drawstrings, less lace!) – Anyone caught NOT wearing a onesie will 100% get fucked out.
WHAT TO BRING: Sorry, no liquor folks. Juice or sparkling cider is always welcome. A pillow or stuffed animal if you like. Otherwise, just bring your smiling self. – Roofies will be available upon arrival.
STICK TO THE RULES:
1. Pyjamas stay on the whole time – Except for Randy’s. Randy’s are always off.
2. You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. – You can also leer in the corner and video it.
3. You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.) – Except for Randy. Randy touches everyone.
4. If you’re a yes, say YES. If you’re a no, say NO. – If you’re scarlet. Say SCARLET.
5. If you’re a maybe, say NO – Jesus, just say NO!
6. You are encouraged to change your mind – But you won’t be allowed to leave
7. Respect your relationship agreements and communicate with your partner – Terms and conditions may apply.
8. Get your Cuddle Party Facilitator or the Cuddle Assistant if you have a question or concern or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party – Threesomes are encouraged.
9. Tears and laughter are both welcome- And to be expected.
10. Respect people’s privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties. – Use porn names ONLY!
11. Keep the Cuddle space tidy – Pick up all yizzer condoms before ye leave.
As always, I will leave you with something inspiring. River Island is now selling coats that turn into SLEEPING BAGS!
This is all I’ve ever wanted out of life.
The Abortion Rights Campaign are holding their 6th Annual March for Choice on Saturday the 30th of September, assembling at the Garden of Remembrance on Parnell Square from 1.30pm, before marching on Dáil Éireann at 2pm.
Join us on September 30th to make your pro-choice voice heard, this is your last chance before a referendum is called. It’s Time to Act!