A Jarringly Ill-Toned Newsletter From Your Local Swingers Association

Dear Athlone Swingers Association Member,

A lot’s changed since our last bi-annual newsletter. Kevin and Maureen have finally packed their bags and headed off to start a new chapter in Belfast, and we wish them all the best with their new dental practice! Also we are currently in the grip of a global pandemic which has seen a temporary cessation to all swinging events under our jurisdiction since late March.

Before going any further though, I would once again like to thank Pauline for hosting our last get-together back in March. It was a wonderful evening, in no small part thanks to Pauline’s typically impressive home-cooking – I ate enough cocktail sausages to last me a life-time! Secondly, I feel we should extend our sympathies to Pauline’s husband, Barry. In retrospect, going ahead with the evening, while knowing the risks about the virus, was an error. Pauline will be sorely missed.

Photos from the evening are available in a Dropbox account, linked below.

Over the last few weeks we’ve been figuring out ways of making our next meet-up Covid-compliant. And we’re thrilled to announce that, pending a few final snags, the Athlone Swingers Association will be hosting its first post-lockdown evening next Tuesday! Barry has kindly offered to host us once more. The evening will also double as a belated farewell to Kevin and Maureen, a celebration of the 17th anniversary of our fine organisation (I hear Tony’s ordering customised bunting!), and as a commemorative event for Pauline. A book of condolences will be available to sign.

While many things will remain the same, there will of course be some changes to ensure that our evening doesn’t turn into another ‘Covid-ground-zero event’, as I believe the Athlone Herald deemed our last get together. (I can’t believe they used that photo of Tony on the front page!)

Firstly, everyone’s keys are to be placed in separate bowls and should only be removed with tongs. Unfortunately, due to the disappointing response to our annual summer bake-sale, which Mel and Chris valiantly tied to host over Zoom, we’re in the midst of a funding shortfall, so everyone will have to bring their own tongs. Several people have already voiced concern that they may not own enough bowls to house everyone’s keys when it’s their turn to host. Any recessed dish, or bowl-like object can be used in lieu.

Secondly, hand-sanitising stations will be available for all. However, our provisional plans to provide facemasks seem to have hit a snag. The boxes of masks Tony ordered online are apparently filled with a “terrifying number of rapidly hatching spider-eggs” (Tony’s words). We will try source alternatives.

Thirdly, we will be asking that hosts provide no snacks or nibbles. While we know this will come as disappointing news, we think it’s for the best. Especially given that one epidemiologist, quoted in that Athlone Herald article, called Pauline’s bowls of cocktail sausages a ‘cesspit of transmission’. Which I think was unfair given the timing of the article in relation to Pauline’s passing. Instead, keep a granola bar in a fanny pack in case you feel your energy flagging.

Fourthly – and I can’t stress this enough – bring your own towel. Pandemic or no pandemic, sharing towels is just gross people.

Fifthly, if anyone from the Athlone Herald tries to contact you asking about our plans, DO NOT respond to them. If this happens let us know, don’t panic, lay low at home, and change your phone number – Tony’s even managed to get us 10% off any Eir package through his work!

Sixthly, lastly – and most importantly, remember that this is still going to be the same evening of carnal delight we all know and love. So get rid of those fears, get excited, and get signing the attached waiver absolving us of any liability.

Yours,
Athlone Swingers Association Committee

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