The Honorary Hunzo | Clutching at Straws

Minister for the environment, Richard Bruton expressed dissatisfaction about the implementation by Starbucks, of a new recyclable straw policy. He recently addressed the press, regarding the grave environmental concerns he had, in relation to the removal of plastic straws from the market. 

I recently visited Starbucks, and to my dismay ended up with a mound of soggy straw pulp in my Chia seed frapp. However, it is not solely the potential effect of consumer dissatisfaction on Irish trading that I am concerned about, but rather the environmental impact the removal of straws has upon our Ecosystem. Contrary to popular belief, through the evolutionary process of adaption, sea creatures have come to not only utilise straws in their habitat, but require them as a necessity! I am basing my arguments on David Attenborough’s recent publication “clutching at straws”. 

– Minister for transport Richard Bruton.

Upon perusal of Professor Attenborough’s recent paper, I uncovered numerous facts. The removal of straws leads to a dramatic decrease in the population of marine wild life in the Churni River of West Bengal India. Professor Attenborough discovered that the Chinese Mitten Crab, utilised straws to defend their territory in a form of crab on crab fencing matches.

Similarly straws were used by the crabs, to attract females in a form of exotic pole dance that had not spotted in any other species to date. Likewise smaller species of Antarctic Whales have been known to collect up to 200 straws to be used as a form of tooth pick, to remove krill from their Baleen Plate.

It was also found that six-pack rings were used by infant clownfish as a sophisticated form of rein to keep the group together when under attack. Strength in numbers as the saying goes.

Lastly it was discovered that Starbucks plastic cups provide an excellent nesting place for Octopus eggs. Sadly octopi are known to die after mating, giving a whole new fatalistic meaning to “a one night stand”. The ever lasting plastic encasement provides the necessary protection from predators, whom could easily gorge upon the nutritious orphan octopi embryos.

Due to these fascinating results, the Oireachtas plans to pass a bill to conserve wildlife through the continued use of plastic straws. Locals have been encouraged to “litter as normal”, with the aspiration that the number of trolleys in the Liffey will rapidly increase. Trolleys are known to support an exotic form of Algae, which is an excellent nutrient source to the small number of native fishes that struggle to survive here.

Overall it would appear consumerism serves a greater purpose, and it is our duty as Irish citizens to remain as slovenly as possible, acting with reckless disregard, for the greater good.


Featured Image by Darren Lebeuf

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