The Honorary Hunzo | Alive, Alive, No! The Plight of Molly Malone

In Dublin’s fair City…I first laid my eyes on sweet Molly Malone”

Molly Malone has become the renowned figurehead presiding over Dublin City, and her song the unrecognised anthem of Ireland. The bronze statue now rests on Suffolk street, beaming broadly, with nary a care in the world.. Or so it would appear.

She is captured forever in an uncompromising position, leaning over her wheelbarrow, her bosoms exposed for all to see. Immobile she can’t yank up that corset constricting her lungs, nor conceal the wheelbarrow of trout she was forced to drag through the cobbled streets each morning.

Remember those shameful photos which were resurrected from a night out? The ones that you instantly deleted from facebook? Where your skirt rode up or when you were covered in Kebab sauce? Sorry hun, they’ve now erected a bronze statue of you in that state and there’s not one thing you can do about it!

If that wasn’t dire enough, onlookers gawk at her daily, inappropriately grabbing her when she least expects it. She has been groped on a multiplicity of occasions, fancifully fondled so much that the bronze hue has worn off her perky bosoms. The fiddlers can be categorised into two main types.

  1. Local Grubby Grabbers – Native speakers with a certain urban (not urbane) dialect, who are drawn to Molly’s bosoms, like dumb moths to a naked flame.

“Here Damo, take a photo of me with Molly, yeah one of me grabbing her tits”.

  1. Latino Laddos – This indecent behaviour is often perpetrated by soft hearted Italian males who are in awe of Mollies beauty, but do not have the maturity to deal with these emotions. This rambunctious behaviour, coupled with the intoxicating excitement of being in a foreign land, leads to upsetting and disrespectful results.

“PAPA, PAPA COME ERE, EES A MOLLY, TAKE A PHOTO OF MEE KEESING HER MOUTH GRACIAS” [I think that’s Spanish].

I guess we can’t blame them..I mean she was a prostitute back in the day..sure look at the outfit on her…she’s up for a laugh, she’s practically asking for it right? She never said no so it’s grand.. Unfortunately the law of the land is in grave contradiction to the views of both Damo and Pedro.

Section 2 of the criminal law amendment act 1990, punishes such acts with prison sentences of up to five years. Similarly section 9 of the criminal Law rape amendment act 1990 states that failure to resist does not equal consent. Lads…statues can’t struggle…

Fortunately with the current #metoo movement in full swing, more and more innocent marble victims emerged from the woodwork to tell their tale of woe. Victor Noir, Dolly Parton, the Wife of Wu, Juliet Munich and Andras Hadik to name but a few. Each one forced to tolerate inappropriate fondling, and violations of their bodily integrity without their consent.

Cement, marble, granite or stone..

Male, female, in a group or alone…

EveryBody should be respected.

Cry cockles,

And muscles,

Alive, alive No!

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