The Honorary Hunzo’s Study Sesh Tips

With the mid term tests soon approaching, a palpable sense of fear is felt by students nationwide. After enduring four years of gruelling legal education, I feel adequately equipped to proffer some valuable advice to young rapscallions embarking on their chosen path of study. 

Naturally after you have created your realistic and achievable timetable goals (e.g Monday, day one: STUDY ALL OF CONTRACT LAW) and looked up relevant motivational quotes to spur you on (Jesus died for YOUR sins! YOU LAZY WASTE OF SPACE!!) you will need to source your study area. Unfortunately this time of year leads to a certain level of competitive behaviour amongst students, particularly in relation to cramming habitats / “shared study spaces”. With this in mind, I have devised top study sesh tips to ensure you get the socket space you deserve and survive study week.

Tip One: Early Bird Catches The Worm

As you may have noticed, the queues for the library somehow trail for several miles. With this in mind, it is important you remain adequately prepared and arrive in advance of opening hours. I would suggest pitching your tent at the front door at approximately 5 am, which should give you a fighting chance at securing the desired socket space. Be warned however, early morning gulls have a tendency to destroy all you hold dear. A small pellet gun should resolve any unwarranted interference by any avian species plus ward off other overly ambitious competitors. Remaining at the front of the queue at all times is imperative! Point your elbows out and flap wildly, like a chicken breaking free from the coup! If a passerby walks into your flapping arms, or outstretched fist, then that is THEIR issue! Remember your right to freedom of movement under the European Convention of Human Rights is wide in its ambit.



Tip Two: Develop A Sixth Kinaesthetic Sense

If you are any way like me, you aren’t a morning person, (or too fond of study sessions in the evenings/night) then making those 4 am starts much more difficult to maintain! After four years of library study, I learnt to sense the weakness or movement of other students within a wide radius! So for example the slight shuffle of papers two corridors away, would send signals to my brain, alerting me to a potential free socket space. Any signs of weakness should be observed, yawns, coughs and fidgeting all signal a potential upcoming departure. It is then you must POUNCE! And steal that space! You will find yourself being possessive of most study nooks and crannies, even within the confines of your own home (e.g guarding all socket space in the kitchen like a hawk “Jess, I just wanted to have a slice of toast…” “BACK AWAY OLD MAN!”)

Tip Three: Bring Nourishment For The Battle Ahead

If a spicy chicken fillet roll provides you with sustenance, you are best to collect this at an early juncture in the day, as food may soon be rationed due to shortages. This is primarily due to an abundance of fillet roll predators, ranging from builders to academics! The fillet roll forms a staple part of most successful people’s diet. With this in mind, you are best to collect yours at 8 am, once you have secured your socket space. However should you be too late you will be forced to smuggle in vending machine confectionery, through the alarmed gates of the library. One should also be aware of armed guards such as “LibroCop” or other non UCD equivalents, who often patrol the library accompanied by sniffer dogs. 

I have become an expert Hunky Dory sucker, removing each crisp with an eyebrow tweezers, exhibiting a certain surgeon like precision. Once removed consumption by absorption takes place, via a subtle sucking method, till the Dory is but a soggy “buffalo” mound on your tongue. This method ensures no crunching takes place, and you remain undetected for the remainder of your session! Also siphoning scalding hot drinks up your sleeve, is a definite necessity but be sure to have an explanation for the steam evaporating through your collar, and the perspiration fogging your glasses! “I am an excessive sweater”.

Tip Four: Gas Mask For Bio-hazardous Material

As you are probably aware exam season has a negative effect on even the strongest of constitutions! This can lead to toilet cubicle occupation, and noxious gases seeping under the doors. Heavily populated areas, such as the arts and humanities section of the college, suffer the most fatalities at this time of year. Indeed, December of 2014 resonates most with me; It would not have surprised me if the corpse of Voldemort’s basilisk Nagini, was stowed in one of the stalls. Yes, brave students battle on! I would suggest bringing a face mask akin to the ones worn in China during the swine flu academic! They are easily ordered on amazon and other websites such as Biohazard.ie etc.

Conclusion

To conclude, in order to survive study week, and make the most of your study sessions the above precautions should be maintained! We must survive this Hunger Games like season, one quivering petrified homogenous mass on the brink of a shared break down! Standing united (yet in competition) the red bull coursing through our veins. A culmination of determined spirits, highlighters in hand. Ready for war.

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