The Honorary Hunzo | Maple (Syrup) Mania

Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau, has recently introduced further legislation in order to protect the Canadian Maple syrup reserve. The protective regulations were introduced as a preventative mechanism against Maple syrup Siphoning, and to pay homage to the delicious treacle treat that fuels the Canadian economy. I have summarised the regulation below for our readers.

The Maple providers Regulation CRC 289, is an amendment to the Agricultural Act and has two main parts, both protective and punitive.

Part 1 – Governs how the Maple Syrup must be stored in a high security vault, which is under 24 Hour supervision by heavily armed Guards, (who may use fatal force if necessary) similarly the enclosure, will be filled with government trained grizzly bears, which will tear intruders apart on site.

Part 2 – Governs punitive sanctions that shall be put in place to deter potential maple thieves. The regulation controversially reintroduces the death penalty into Canadian Law, and imposes a variety of new and innovative methods, inclusive of but not limited to:

  1. Being doused in Maple syrup and fed to Grizzly bears.
  2. Being submerged in Maple syrup until drowning occurs.
  3. Being force fed maple syrup until small intestine ruptures.

Many critics have denounced the legislation, feeling that it was a step too far in light of the already existing safeguards against siphoning. Several heavily guarded maple syrup reserves are already present in Quebec, and are maintained by the “Federation of Quebec maple syrup producers”, a form of government run cartel. 77 percent of Canadian Maple syrup products are sacredly kept at reserves nationwide. However for Justin Trudeau this protection was not adequate.

Listen to What Am Politics‘ episode all about the great Maple State below:

Maple syrup is the primary source of income for over 8600 Canadian businesses. After the Maple syrup heist of 2012, this government is on high alert and these precautionary measures are absolutely and positively necessary to preserve our natural resources.”
– Justin Trudeau, Canadian Prime minister.

In her most recent book Treacle terror : How to overcome syrup addiction, Canadian Nutritionist, Priscilla Soler, discusses the composition of Canadian Maple Syrup and its addictive qualities.

Canadian Maple syrup is fifty times more addictive than cocaine and heroin, leading to severe withdrawal symptoms if no longer consumed. Similarly, as most maple dealers are aware, there is a grading system put in place for traders, with value being determined by density, translucency, and sap content. The higher the sap content, the more valuable the syrup.” Excerpt from Treacle Terror Chapter two 

Indeed it would appear from this that such a rigorous regulation is not only sensible, but ultimately necessary to sustain the Canadian economy. Canadian Economist Mark Carney, confirms this view in his latest paper on the “Canadian Maple Syrup Heist”, in which over 3000 tonnes of Maple syrup were stolen by thieves. Inspector Michel Gaurveau uncovered hundreds of empty barrels upon searching numerous reserves. Each barrel would have held approximately 600 Pounds of maple syrup, and the cost to the government was over 18.7 million.  Similarly this lead to a severe shortage of maple syrup, leading to nation wide severe withdrawal symptoms which lead to the an outbreak of Manic Maple Disorder (MMD for short). The withdrawal symptoms are inclusive of, but not limited to:

  • Tremors
  • Shakes
  • Sweating
  • Delusions/ visions
  • Frothing at the mouth

The Canadian Constitutional Law Review Group, has recommended that the Maple syrup regulation, should be inserted into both the constitution and the Canadian charter of human rights, in order to ensure citizens maple syrup privileges are adequately protected. Whether the provision will come under property rights, or be directly linked to the right to life, remains unknown at this juncture.

One thing is for certain, maple syrup is finally getting the recognition it deserves, as the fundamental bedrock of Canadian society.


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