The Honorary Hunzo | How to Sell Shit and Get Away With It
Minister for Enterprise and Innovation, Heather Humphrey’s has recently approved of the upsurge in development of vintage clothing stores.
“It really is a case of one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. It truly is such a good way to recycle. You can chuck in just about anything, and there’s a market for it. It generates huge revenue!
– Minister Heather Humphrey
With that in mind Minister Humphrey’s has devised a new grant system, to assist upcoming entrepreneurs with their upcoming vintage shop enterprises. The amount of money granted depends on the size of the store in question. For example smaller stores set up in small hovels/ or sheds naturally require less funding.
Local Ballygilhooley businessman Seamus O’Fortuchain has recently set up a chain of vintage clothing stores in the Ballygilhooley vicinity.
Seamus has recently published a best selling international novel “How to Sell Shit and Get Away With It”, and recently gave an interview on “Today FM”.
“Ya, it’s mad actually, I saw some young wans out in the town wearing holy Jeans, and faded dirty dungarees! I thought by Jaysus there’s a market in this! The wellies I was wearing, had big holes and were mad filthy like, and I said well there’s a pair of vintage festival boots! It’s all about using the noggin, reusing, recycling, and thinking about dem polar bears up in deh north pole or wherever they all do be staying!”
– Seamus O’Fortuchain on Today Fm, 6th June 2019.
In chapter one of “How to Sell Shit and Get Away With It”. Mr O’Fortuchain gives his top ten tips and tricks, on how to “turn trash to treasure”, which are readily applicable to both shoppers and entrepreneurs alike. Enterprise Ireland recently released an excerpt for all upcoming national businessmen to benefit from:
“Turn Trash to Treasure”
- Setting up Shop – You might be thinking to yourself “I don’t have room to be setting up a vintage shop on my premises!” Go way out of that negativity! This is where being resourceful comes in. Do you have a garage that’s a bit too damp for habitation? Or a tool shed out the back that’s a bit roomy? Two perfect premises for vintage shoppers. Don’t be worrying your arse about Health and Safety Legislation. That’s a thing of the past! The filthier the better! Leave your bike and mower there! That’s what I did and it only adds to the authenticity.
- Fashion Knowledge / Retail experience – Well I knew nothing about fashion, but I knew I had a heap of old crap up there that I wanted to get rid of. Old wellies? Festival fashion. Dirty milking parlour overalls? An old Duffel coat from when I was a wee lad at St Josephs? Prime catwalk couture! 200 Quid right there.
- Reduce, Reuse, And Recycle – When my farm equipment goes rusty or a light bulb goes out, I know it would make great Art Studio Décor. Wine cork necklaces, milk lid bracelets etc. Fifty quid towards my new John Deer 2019 model.
- Tax Evasion – The New Government SME grant and lower tax rates are very beneficial. However you want to be saving a bit more. I do say that profit made goes to charity, which really adds to that hippy vintage vibe. All I need do then is stick a euro monthly in the Trocaire Box and save a bit more for my own purposes!
On route to Doonbeg President Trump was fortunate enough to pass through Ballygilhooley. He commended Mr O’Fortuchain’s efforts, tweeting
“MISTER O’FORTUCHAIN HAS MANAGED TO MINE FOR GOLD, IN THIS DUNG HEAP OF A TOWN. I HAVE NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR A HARD WORKING MAN LIKE THAT”.
– @realDonaldTrump
Rumours have it that Mr Trump is a known customer of Mr O’Fortuchain’s chain “Vintagey stuff”, and that his hair piece, was in fact sourced from local produce.
Local ninety year old Peig Sayors, who recently donated her deceased cats body to the vintage cause has stated:
“I recognise the hue of his wig, looks like the fur of my cat Marmalade, brittle and blonde and the like. I’d know her mane anywhere so I would.”
The Vintage revolution is in full throttle in Ballygillhooley and Nationwide!
Don’t throw out those old socks yet… They just might be vintage.
