Getting Your Drug Dogs up to Snuff

Application for Council Funding in Innovation and Design 2017

NAME

Ongar West

OCCUPATION

I trawl the canals

QUALIFICATIONS

Absolutely



WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THIS FUNDING: (50 words)

An idea to change the world. (Please note: I have only used 7 of the allocated fifty words. I will carry the remainder over to the next section. These words do not count. Please do not attempt to claim they do. Actually. A few more makes fifty. Job done. Cool.)

WHAT WOULD YOU USE THE FUNDING FOR: (400 words)

Drug sniffer dogs. Drug sniffer dog project. I don’t quite… my idea is to get rid of this whole “all sniffer dogs should sniff everything” nonsense. It’s too big a workload for an already confused animal. I suggest having a specific dog for each type of drug. No more confused dogs getting a treat for finding a syringe when we all know they were looking for an orange peel. How do we do it? We get each individual dog hooked on an individual drug. Nothing will find a drug in a suitcase faster than a dog hitting the skag.

This is not my first attempt. I asked a large corporation for money. I told them it was an outreach project. They gave me a grant (not exactly enthused with the idea but unable to explain why it was a bad one) which included a house full of dogs and narcotics. I picked up little tips quickly enough. Dogs like to sniff cocaine just as much as humans do. But they also like to sniff shoes. They just like to sniff. You can use a dog’s collar to find a vein in its little leg like humans do with belts on arms. Beagles have awfully harsh comedowns. Greyhounds have a lot of stamina for drugs, which makes a lot of sense. Labradors have an energetic charm until they inevitably take it too far.

Obviously I took drugs with them so they wouldn’t feel out of place or, heaven forbid, like they had a problem. We fell out. We hugged. We slept. We danced. We talked about the illuminati until the early hours. Well I did anyway. We had a great time. Well I did anyway. Some dogs died. The cat died. I had to check into rehab after a week. The dogs were left in a house full of drugs. Drugs they were already addicted to. I give them a day. Maybe a week for the greyhounds. Such stamina. There is no rehab facility for dogs in Ireland. I learned this at the time I needed one most. That will be my next project. Which I am hoping you will also fund.

I am now proudly out of rehab and I would like to sign off my application the same way I always do:

I have heard terrible stories about your expense accounts. It would be a shame if they were made public.

Main image via The Oregonian

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