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Here are my Christmas hopes & wishes. I believe them to be modest and achievable and as a supplementary hope, I hope that if you can help me accomplish them in any way, you will. Thank you, Happy Christmas.
- I hope that nobody tells me that Brussels Sprouts are “actually quite nice if you fry them up with cream and bacon”. I know. Everybody knows. I’m not going to read your food blog so just drop it. Besides, I like Brussels Sprouts as they are? I think it’s important for Christmas dinner to have soggy little balls of freshly cut grass on it. It represents Renewal or something like that.
- I wish that in 2017 men on the internet would just stop. All men, even me. Especially me. We just have to stop you guys. The threatening egg men, the Good Feminist DM sliders, the mole men, all of us. Let’s just leave women to it for a while.
- I hope that Wheatus made enough money from royalties of Teenage Dirtbag this year to give their families a big Christmas because that’s still a great song and artists deserve to live off their art.
- I hope that Wheatus made a smaller amount of money but still enough for like an intimate New Year’s Eve shindig from the royalties of their cover of A Little Respect because that hasn’t aged as well and the Erasure version is still the definitive version imo.
- I hope that we find out what happened between Julianna Margulies and Archie Panjabi on The Good Wife because something. definitely. happened. They weren’t in the same shot for 52 episodes! And then in Archie Panjabi’s last episode, they were in the same shot but it was obviously CGI?! Something. Happened. I’m nosy and entitled and I deserve to know. Look, fifteen years from now, somebody will come forward and spill the beans and there’ll be a twelve-part podcast called Here’s The Deal with Julianna Margulies and Archie Panjabi so why not just come forward now? Throw us a bone, anonymous informant.
- If you watched the Wheatus video above you might be thinking to yourself, “Wow, I’d forgotten how annoying the DJ guy in Wheatus was” and you’re right. So I’m amending my previous hopes to say that I hope that the DJ from Wheatus has a slightly less opulent Christmas than the others.
- I hope that the ratio of dogs to cats on the internet remains firmly in favour of dogs in 2017. 2017 is going to be shit. It’s going to be so, so shit. Like, remember when you found out about Santa? 2017 is going to have a revelation like that EVERY DAY. Cats will use you, dogs will love you and we all need a little extra love right now so Dogs. Dogs. Always Dogs.