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Exercise? I only run my mouth. Though sometimes, if feeling adventurous, I’ll also do an alcohol run. Ordered my beach body months ago, and it’s yet to get here; never online shopping again. Can ya pass the fries? What do you mean, “I think you’ve had enough?” I’ve had enough of your judgmental eyebrows, the right one a bit more disparaging than the left, nit-picking my idiosyncratic dietary needs. Yes, I need that double fudge brownie sundae. Apple a day? Hell no, my doctor is too hot to be pulling that. Well, yes, my thighs are quite large—so what? I like ’em large. Ever hear of a double entendre? Google double entendre. Not that I care, but big butts are very “in” these days. Ever hear of Nicki Minaj? Google Nicki Minaj. This may shock you, so hold onto something other than your ego—there’s more to me than my body. I also have a fat and brilliant brain and a super exciting talent for giving backhanded compliments. There’s a lot more to you, too. Take your knack for making a girl feel incompetent and gross. Not a skill you see every day! Only every fucking other. At least you can take solace in warm numbness of mediocrity; that’s special. Send me a postcard from Pathetic. Where are you going? Well, hell, I’m not letting these fries go to waste. And you already know I ain’t one for chasing—people and shots alike. Yeah, I’d like another—and you can put that on his tab.
Please note submissions for our Poem of the Week segment is currently closed — a new call for submissions will be issued in April. We are currently accepting submissions to our regular features: MONOGRAPH (a group of poems by a single author) and New Voices (poets aged 18-30 who have yet to publish a full collection).
Please read the full requirements on our Submissions page, before sending your work.
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