Mother’s Day Gone Wrong
Dear reader – do you have crippling anxiety like me?
Have you ever received a heart stopping message or call – one that makes your stomach kickstart into gymnastics and your brain panic that your life might just be about to crumble into pieces?
Do you, like me, feel this sense of impending doom every time your phone rings?
Fear not. I can now confirm that sometimes this worry is justified.
Let me tell you a story of a missed call, a cruel boyfriend, a terror-stricken mother, a 20 year old girl just trying to feed herself and finish her degree without having a cardiac arrest, and a Mother’s Day gone wrong.
Wednesday, March 8th.
Standing in line at the till in Aldi, poppadoms and mango chutney in claw, I – a poor and weak willed young woman – am longingly looking at the packets of mini chocolate eggs wondering if I can scrounge an extra 60 cent from my boyfriend’s pocket without him noticing. I turn to body scan him but become drawn to the tall Mother’s Day card stand peeking out behind his head. I know I must remind someone to remind me to pick up a card lest I forget, but I also know that saying it to Andrew is a fruitless endeavour as he’ll have forgotten two minutes after it’s come out of my mouth. Regardless, I say it anyway at least hoping that voicing it aloud will help it stick in my mind.
Dana: “Oh, we better not forget to buy cards for our mammies”
Andrew: “Is that.. this month?”
I point to the stand behind him so he can see for himself and he glances over. Meanwhile, the lady ahead of me in the queue turns and tells me that she herself has a child, and she is hoping a card will come her way too. I smile, and she picks up my poppadoms, inspecting them and asking if I know how unhealthy they are. This leads to a lecture on how many ‘syns’ I am allowed to consume per day according to her Slimming World manual. I smile and nod, now unfortunately aware that I’ll be consuming over 6 times my daily calorie allowance in an hours time when I use them as plates for an oversized portion of curry which really should feed an entire family but instead will be cordially introduced to my stomach.
Friday, March 10th.
I half open my eyes, finding my boyfriend sitting at the edge of the bed, a glint in his eye and a pen in his hand.
Andrew: “How much does a stamp cost?”
Dana: “I’m asleep why aren’t you asleep”
Andrew: “It’s 12 in the afternoon – do you know how much a stamp will cost?”
Dana: *Snoring*
Andrew: “Okay well I’m running to the post office before it closes for lunch, want me to pick you up anything from the shop?”
Dana: *Snoring*
He leaves holding an envelope. He returns holding a chicken roll. The chicken roll is not for me. I am upset, and take a nap to recover.
Monday, March 13th.
12:59pm. I press the Home button on my phone.
2 missed calls,
2 unread texts,
1 unread iMessage,
1 unread WhatsApp message.
Wow, I am popular today.
Hold up.
They all… seem to be from my boyfriend’s mum.
Over the space of 15 minutes.
This has never happened before.
Oh my god.
What’s going on.
WHAT DO I DO IF THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN WHILE I AM AWAKE I AM PANICKING PHONE CALLS MAKE ME NERVOUS AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED HERE.
I’m more confused and anxious than I have ever been in my entire life and my heart is beating so fast I cannot even feel it anymore I think it might have collapsed.
I head straight for Andrew, adamant to figure out what has happened and what can be done to lower my heart rate in the very near future. After absolutely no difficulty at all, I find him in the first place I look – bed. His phone is dancing to the beat of it’s own vibrating rage beside his head while he sleeps peacefully through the commotion.
I pounce on him and start bashing him with the vast collection of unnecessary pillows on the bed. “ANDREW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOUR MAM IS CAL” – he darts up, dazed, and answers his phone. I only catch one side of the conversation and I’m terrified.
Andrew: “Hi Mum what’s….. no… no mum of course we’re not….. I’m so sorry don’t cry…. I thought it’d be fu… oh mum don’t cry… of course I wouldn’t tell you like that… I didn’t think you’d bel… YOU RANG DAD?… I’m sorry… Oh okay I’ll call you later when you’re finished work… Happy Mother’s Day by the way, I didn’t get a chance to ring you yesterday…. Wait what? It wasn’t yesterday? I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.”
He hangs up and I am glaring at him, willing him to immediately explain before I pass out. His stunned expression turns into a smile, and he starts giggling like a bold child.
“I thought you said it was Mother’s Day? It’s not for another three weeks.” he says.
“I sent her a nice card.”
“Trust me. We’ll all look back on this and we’ll laugh.”
No we won’t Andrew. No we won’t. I’m still having palpitations.
