Top Cat Begins – My Reasons for Walking Out After 30 Minutes
I cannot review this film.
I have to confess something to the hordes of people breaking down Headstuff’s doors for our Top Cat Begins review. I walked out of it. I barely managed half an hour. Chances are, if you’re reading this, that you’re one of the 250,000 people that signed the petition demanding this site review a children’s film whose title parodies a decade old action film. Apologies. I can’t offer a full review. I can, however, give you my reasons for walking out.
From frame one this thing just can’t be arsed. The title appears abruptly over an unlovely exterior shot. Given that the creators could have animated anything they chose this.
The animation itself is ‘Donkey Kong 64 cut scene’ level. Everything is cheap, jerky and has a cut and pasted feel to it.
The voice acting is so lazy you can practically hear the text messages the actors must have been writing as they recorded it.
The movie uses lazy, sub Shrek, cultural reference gags to entertain the adults. Title aside, the first scene involves a muddled, exquisite corpse of a joke. We have a Goodfellas style tracking shot with Reservoir Dogs knockoff soundtrack playing over it. As this is happening the voiceover uses a line from Star Wars for some reason. If you’re an adult and you’re laughing at this you’re going to love scrolling through Netflix. ‘Hey, these are all things. Hilarious.’
No thought has gone into any of the character designs bar one. She’s a female cat. Naturally she’s a ride. Slinky and sexualised, she resembles something from the darker corners of Deviantart. The feeling that the animators spent far too much time thinking about her is unnerving.
Also, the whole thing is told via flashback by characters who are trapped in a lift.
This was as far as you can get from an impassioned, Cannes Film Festival style walk out. This wasn’t a cineaste’s act of protest. This was a grown man suddenly being struck by an image; an image of himself watching something that’s barely even technically a film in a dark room on a sunny weekday. Struck with this image he felt bad for himself. He also felt bad for the poor bastards asked to throw this together cheaply and quickly. He couldn’t bring himself to justify watching any more. He’s sorry.
While it’s possible that the film becomes amazing after half an hour, I doubt it. I cannot understand how this got a theatrical release. Please don’t take kids to see it.
That said, if you’re an adult and really want something to make you take stock and ask ‘What the fuck am I doing with my life?‘ watch Top Cat Begins. Five Stars.
Top Cat Begins is in Cinemas from Friday 3rd June. Check out the trailer below.
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