The Rough A to Z of Ireland |1| Alcohol – Mammies
A is for…Alcohol
Oscar Wilde once stated that ‘Alcohol taken in sufficient quantities may produce all the effects of drunkenness.’ The Irish have spent decades reaffirming this aphorism. Their best nights out are not remembered the next morning; the less recalled the more ‘mad craic’ was had. Teetotallers are treated like Communists in McCarthy era America.
B is for…Banks, The Fecking
Despite much public wailing, the Irish have eagerly flocked back to their failed banking system. This attitude reflects the Irish approach to all social issues – vociferous grumbling followed by complete inaction. Some changes have been made by the IMF – all new coins are made from chocolate, and all deposits are forwarded by chute directly to Berlin.
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
The traditional sign off for all phone conversations.
C is for…Culchies
There are three distinct types of Irish person – Culchies, Dubs and Kerry Folk. A Culchie is someone who does not hail from Dublin or Kerry. They are simple minded creatures, with eyebrows sculpted from turf. Culchies enjoy pints, ham sandwiches, GAA and maudlin sing-songs.
Croke Park
The Culchie’s Mecca and the headquarters of the Gaelic Athletic Association (GAA). Every weekend between June and September hoards of sweaty Culchies, fuelled by pints and righteous Gaelicism, descend on the hallowed turf to catch a glimpse of thirty men slapping each other with sticks (hurling) or charging each other with a ‘fair shoulder’ (football).
D is for…Dubs
Dubs hail from Ireland’s capital city, Dublin. They are simple minded creatures, who use the word ‘bleedin’’ in every sentence and enjoy over-priced lattes, hummus, soccer and moaning. Despite enjoying more infrastructure and amenities than the rest of the country combined the Dubs are never satisfied and will tell anyone who’ll listen what a bleedin’ disgrace it all is.
Duffy, Joe
Duffy is King of the Dubs, and facilitator of their collective daily moan. This moan is broadcast on national radio as Liveline.
E is for…Eejit
A foolish person.
See also – Banks, The Fecking and Government, The Fecking.
F is for…Fianna Fail & Fine Gael
Ireland’s main political parties are distinguishable only by their falling out over a 100 year old peace treaty. Equal parts corruption and incompetence, their elected members are as interchangeable as Mr. Potato Head’s body parts. Both parties claim each other’s lowest-common denominator populist policies as their own. Except the ones that have already failed.
Fungi
Fungi the Dolphin is the Kerry folk’s major tourist attraction. Local lore has it that Fungi has spent the past 20 years splashing about Dingle Bay. In truth, ‘Fungi’ is a rented dolphin costume filled by a succession of out of work former Kerry footballers, for whom the lure of a public gallery trumps the erosion of dignity.
G is for…God
Irish society has become increasingly secular. However, for large swathes of the population God, or Garth as he is often referred to, retains a prominent presence. He has friends in low places, but seemingly not high, as plans for five days of scheduled summer worship were postponed last year due to protests from local heathens.
‘Grand’
Ireland’s favourite word can be used in numerous scenarios. Some examples are below:
- ‘How are you?’
‘I’m grand.’
- ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘Grand.’
- ‘My God! That looks broken!’
‘Sure, I’m grand.’
- ‘Shite! North Korea has launched their nukes!’
‘Sure, it’ll be grand.’
If an Irish person doesn’t think it’ll be grand you should be very worried.
Government, The Fecking – See also Fianna Fail & Fine Gael.
H is for…Haughey, Charles J.
The last High King of Ireland; Haughey ruled the plebs on horseback from his private island off the West coast. Even in death he remains a polarising figure. He was a great man/power crazy sociopath/grand. [Apply as applicable].
I is for…Irish language, The
Despite the deceptive road signs, the Irish language is spoken only by select sub-section of Culchies in remote, wind lashed rural areas. Gaeilgeoirs, as they are known, are a superior class of Irish citizen who receive large, and justified, grants for producing books and TV programs that have no audience.
J is for…Joyce, James
Like the Gaeilgeoirs, Joyce is famed for writing books that no one reads. Bloomsday is held each June in honour of his famed doorstop Ulysses. Locals don straw hats, tuck strategically dog-eared copies of the paperweight under their arm, and gad about playing at being cultured.
K is for…Kingdom, The
The Kingdom is the land of The Kerry Folk; the cutest hoors in all of Ireland. Some sociologists classify Kerry folk as a strain of common Culchie, but studies have shown they possess a unique ‘Cute’ gene. Kerry Folk adore money, shiny things, football, busloads of tourists and butter. Spend a week traversing The Kingdom and you’ll leave with a head full of glorious lake and mountain vistas and a wallet light of notes.
Keane, John B.
The late poet laureate and Faerie Prince of The Kerry Folk.
L is for…Leprechauns
Contrary to popular belief leprechauns do exist. They do not, however, possess Lucky Charms or Pots of Gold. Many leprechauns have successfully integrated into modern Irish society and established careers as award winning flat jockeys.
Land – See also Property
Liveline – See also Duffy, Joe
M is for…Morrissey, Marty
Marty is the voice and face of state broadcaster RTE’s GAA coverage. He is also Ireland’s most eligible bachelor and the unofficial Crown Prince of Culchies. Marty’s breathtaking combination of radioactive fake tan and blinding white teeth have seen calls for him to be recognised as the eighth wonder of the world.
Mammies
Irish Mammies are an internationally recognised phenomenon who will never allow anyone out without a jacket.
